1. Excited about the training itself
2. Focused on making it work
3. Motivated to get this right
4. Unfocused trying to juggle all the details at once
5. Stressed staying up until 1 a.m. finding a flight

The morning of my flight, I ran around getting my nails done, my hair done, and having great conversations with people throughout my day. I felt:

6. Hopeful about the day ahead
7. Grateful for the extra time to prepare
8. Proud of myself for handling it all

Michael was out of town. It was just me. And I was doing it. I felt:

9. Resilient knowing I could handle this
10. Calm as I cleaned the house
11. Inspired as I packed
12. Creative with my packing, fitting everything into one tiny bag
13. Confident in my plan
14. Secure knowing I had it handled

I looked at myself and thought, look at me. I don’t need all this stuff. There was a moment of pure:

15. Pleased with my capability

I asked a friend to take me to the airport so I did not have to drive and park my van. She said “YES” and that she could even come over a little early to catch up before we left. I felt:

16. Generous with my energy
17. Devoted to maintaining connection even in busy moments

Then the front gate of my complex called. I didn’t hear it. My phone was somewhere else. Was she late? I started to feel:

18. Confused about where she was
19. Impatient waiting
20. Annoyed that she wasn’t responding
21. Frustrated when I realized what happened

I called her. She called back. My phone had been ringing. The attendant had been trying to let her in. Her phone died. She left.

Suddenly I was:

22. Disappointed she couldn’t make it
23. Alarmed as panic set in
24. Exposed, like I was fumbling in front of an invisible audience
25. Intimidated by the logistics I hadn’t planned for
26. Overwhelmed by how fast everything was falling apart

I felt:

27. Aggressive as I threw my bag into my van
28. Enraged at the situation, at the timing
29. Resentful that this was happening today
30. Judgmental of my friend for our time not working out
31. Offended that my careful plan had been interrupted
32. Violated, like my boundaries had been crossed
33. Appalled at how quickly things spiraled
34. Repulsed by my own panic response

I got in the van and started driving. Fast. Too fast. I felt:

35. Resistant to the chaos
36. Selfish in my anger, thinking why can’t people just show up for me?
37. Baffled by how quickly things had shifted

One moment I was calm and capable. Now I was racing down the freeway expecting the worst, I was not going to make it to my meeting the next day. I was feeling:

38. Helpless about what might happen
39. Inferior, like other people don’t struggle like this
40. Criticized by my own internal voice
41. Victimized by circumstances
42. Hopeless, like the whole thing might fall apart

I went:

43. Numb for a second, autopilot mode
44. Withdrawn inward, stopped talking to myself

There was a flash of feeling:

45. Worthless, like maybe I’m not meant for this path
46. Apathetic, like whatever, if I miss it I miss it
47. Abandoned because my friend didn’t show and Michael was out of town
48. Lonely in my van with the ticking clock
49. Rejected by the day itself
50. Used by circumstances beyond my control

Then something in me shifted.

I noticed my white knuckles of my clenched hands on the wheel. I sensed my rapid breathing. I felt:

51. Shame for driving like a maniac
52. Embarrassed at my own behavior
53. Insecure about whether I even knew how to do this
54. Regretful that I hadn’t left earlier
55. Remorseful for the anger I’d felt toward my friend
56. Misunderstood because no one could see how big this was
57. Sensitive to every little thing

So I accessed my Joy Intelligence, knowing that even in this turmoil, there was joy underneath the chaos.

I sat back in the driver seat, and thought of the situation that I had created for myself, that’s right, no one did this to me…. I took ownership and let myself feel:

58. Humility, admitting I don’t have to have this all figured out
59. Vulnerable, feeling the fear instead of fighting it
60. Interested in a new question: what if this works out?

I did a Chair of JOY right there in the van. All 4 steps. It took about five minutes because I needed extra time for the breathing step.

1) Sit: My van seat.
2) Breathe: Deep, intentional breaths. Probably 10 or so.
3) Think: I visualized finding parking easily, getting through TSA smoothly, making it to the gate on time. Then I saw the plane being on time, getting off easily, and the ride to the clinic. I imagined the training running smoothly, the impact on everyone at the clinic.
4) Feel: I felt that vision in my body, processing all that data in my cells.

And I slowed the van down. My breath returned to normal.  I was then able to remember why I did this work.  To learn forgiveness, that this life is not perfect and that there will be many chances to make messes.

And it continued! I felt:

61. Doubt creeping in about whether I’d make it
62. Desire to show up well
63. Passionate about the work itself

I found a parking spot right up front. I felt a surge of:

64. Uplifted energy as things started to work

I grabbed my bag and started moving. The crosswalk guard waved me through without stopping. As I walked, I did the Chair of JOY again.  The 4 steps wile at a brisk pace, I felt:

65. Respected by the universe
66. Included in something bigger than myself
67. Bold as I kept moving forward

I went through security, they flagged something in my lower extremities, I had to take my boots off and stop for a pat-down. I felt:

68. Speechless for a second
69. Jealous of everyone breezing through while I got stopped

But it passed quickly. I barely got my boots back on, my heels were barely in, but I kept moving anyway.

When I got to the airport gate, they had just started pre-boarding. I had plenty of time.

I felt:

70. Peaceful for the first time in two hours
71. Abundant, having only spent $200 for a round-trip flight
72. Successful for making it
73. Genius for the visualization, the breathing, the recalibration

Once settled in seat 20D, the woman in 20F next to me said she was in the wrong seat. There weren’t many people on the flight. We both just shrugged:

74. Playful energy between us

She stayed. We started talking. For over an hour, all the way to Orange County.

She told me she used to work for the Wall Street Journal. She was a digital expert. I showed her the JQ Emotions Map and the materials I’d just printed for the clinic. She was fascinated. I felt:

75. Happy to have made this connection
76. Curious about what else might be possible
77. Connected to her, to myself, and that we were nearly neighbors in Vegas.

She offered to help with my project in a cool way.  I felt:

78. Awe at the timing, at this woman, on this flight
79. Love for the whole messy, beautiful process

And even as the plane took off, even as I settled into my seat with this unexpected gift of courage, I felt:

80. Anxious about the meeting the next day

Can you believe it? Already. Here we go again. Will I be prepared enough? Will they respond well?

The emotions keep moving. They keep cycling. That’s the point. None of them weigh more than the others. We’re better when we feel them all.

And then tomorrow comes and we get to do it all over.

Somebody write this JQ country song.