I’ve been working with folks who are in the midst of big life transitions since the mid-90s when I was first trained as a coach… probably because I’d been through some biggies myself and had collected lots of good tools along the way. So, I was particularly delighted to discover JOYELY® and add the powerful Chair of JOY® experience to my toolbox!
Our visionary founder, Sheryl Lynn, has beautifully captured ways that you can know joy every day in her recent blog, and I believe you can also draw on those four simple steps – SIT. BREATHE. THINK. FEEL. – to support you through your next big life change as well.
Before I show you how, I think it would be helpful to first understand this relatively new field of “Transition Psychology.”
Let’s start with a question: How many transitions you are in the midst of right now? Professional ones might be job/career changes or retirement, and personal ones would be births, deaths, divorce, moving, etc. Take a moment and think about it.
More often than not, when we’re experiencing change in one area of our lives, there’s a pretty good chance that things are shifting and moving in other places as well. Even if you’re keeping your head above water, I’ll bet that there are all kinds of hidden things (unmet needs, unresolved feelings, incomplete conversations) swimming around in the murky waters around you, waiting to grab hold when you least expect it. That’s the nature of change.
So here’s a radical notion: maybe change isn’t all that bad. Maybe it can be a vital, pleasurable, transformative process. I know, experts say we resist it. Most of us are intimidated by it. Some of us claim we thrive on it, but we’re probably lying. Who really likes change? The truth is, when you let go of what no longer fits, the result is usually a change for the better. Maybe it can actually be a life affirming, spiritually-directed experience that enlivens you and brings you more joy and satisfaction. Doesn’t that sound like a hopeful possibility to explore?
Fortunately, no matter how it’s triggered, the stages of transition are pretty predictable… how nice that at least some part of the process is! Arnold Van Gennup, the Dutch anthropologist who coined the phrase “rites of passage” over 100 years ago, talked about these occasions being made up of three phases: Separation; Transition; and ultimately, Incorporation. Even more viscerally, he describes it as: dying→chaos→renewal.
Truly, there’s no avoiding the fact that we must let go, separate, or perhaps more dramatically, kill off some part of ourselves, our lives, our work, our outworn ways of being, to make room for what’s ready to flow in. As William Bridges, the granddaddy of modern transition theory, says “To gain, you must first give up. Every transition begins with an ending. We have to let go of the old before we can take on the new… not just outwardly, but inwardly, too.”
I believe that one of the most powerful things we can do to support ourselves (and others) through life’s big changes is to mark each stage of the process in some way. That way, we won’t get stuck at any one point and can keep our forward movement flowing toward whatever juicy new opportunities lie on the other side.
In my book, Circle of One, The Art of Becoming a SELF-Centered Woman, I offer my own take on this three-step process:
In the book, I share lots of examples of rituals and ceremonies to celebrate big and small life transitions – that’s one of my passions and actually the focus of my Master’s thesis years ago. What I’ll do here is share a simple ritual for each stage, as well as a suggested focus for your COJ experience.
Rituals of release can take many forms… some of the more familiar ones are funerals, retirement dinners or going away parties. A more personalized one might be to create a “farewell” altar for a loved one who has died, or a project/job that’s ended. Include special photos, mementos or symbols of your history with them. Light a candle of gratitude for all they brought to your life and when it burns down, store your altar contents in a special box as keepsakes for that person/experience.
In the SIT portion of your COJ meditation, you might first conjure up a significant chair that reflects the person or role you’re letting go of. Maybe sitting in your grandmother’s favorite rocking chair? Or under the tree where you got some of your most creative ideas for the project or job that’s ended? In the THINK portion, let a special memory bubble up related to what you’re releasing, and in the FEEL segment, allow yourself to “feel all the feels” right now – sadness or regrets, but maybe also gratitude and/or pride.
In ancient cultures, the value of this period was understood and the elders of the community prescribed rites of passage in the form of vision quests or solitary refuge. This is the time to really tap into your intuition. Create sacred space where you can journal, with gentle music, glowing candles, and aromatherapy (jasmine and lotus are perfect for deep reflection). Ask yourself some powerful questions (What do I need to learn from this experience? How can I best use my gifts to prepare for what’s next?) and allow the answers to flow from your deepest self on to your journal pages.
The COJ is a perfect container for this deep reflection time, at every stage. When you SIT, imagine a place that’s brought you comfort – a pew in a beautiful church, a cozy chair where you love to journal. BREATHE into that sacred space, exhaling what you’re leaving behind and inhaling new possibilities, even if they’re not fully formed. THINK of the qualities you want to bring into the next stage – maybe creativity, clarity, optimism — and FEEL how grounded and centered you are in every part of your body.
Now that we’ve made it to the final stage of transition – the ending that’s really the beginning – it’s time to celebrate! We all love a good party, whether it’s a housewarming, baby blessing, wedding shower, or office celebration. Invite everyone to bring a token – a bead, a ribbon, a stone – that can be transformed into a collective gift representing all of their wishes for you. The result is a talisman that reminds you of all the love and support surrounding you as you embark on your new path.
And to show your appreciation for those who’ve gathered to cheer you on, you can lead them all in a Chair of JOY Experience! Give them the opportunity to SIT in a favorite chair in their imagination, to take a few deep breaths there (BREATHE), and to remember a time (THINK) when they were surrounded by loved ones celebrating a meaningful milestone, with all the emotions associated with that memory (FEEL). Afterwards, invite everyone to share their experience – I guarantee it’ll be powerful for each person, as well as all those listening!
I invite you to experiment with your own Chair of JOY rituals at whatever stage of transition you’re in. Do it multiple times and marvel at the variety of memories that come up. I’d love to hear about them.
Connect with Deborah Roth
deborah@spiritedliving.com
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Small rituals
punctuation marks in an otherwise
runaway day filled with tasks and to dos
and sometimes depleting news
along with exhausting traumas and dramas
Beautiful reprieves
from the everydayness
of certain habitual happenings
and deeply rutted habits and routines
that wear thin and wear us down
Hand on heart moments
of gratitude and awe
breath-giving sanctuaries of time
that allow wonderment to blossom-
and creativity to flourish
Gestures going back perhaps to the beginnings
of life on Mother Earth
back to the exquisite instincts
of a mother birthing her young
knowing what must be done
it seems as if all living creatures
have been endowed
with an instinct for quiet and ritual
as the absolute key to surviving
and thriving
from the heart, mind, and pen of Minx
©2024 Minx Boren. All rights reserved. Please share with attribution.
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It’s time to immerse ourselves completely in the conversation of joy, to prioritize it above most things.. There’s no time to wait; it’s a matter of life and death.
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